Happy Endings
by ChibiHentaiChan
Summary: A parody of Margaret Atwood's short storyessay by the same title. An in depth look at the fandom, writing, and our favorite pairings. 1x2, 3x4, 3x4x5


Title: Happy Endings   
Rating: T (just to be safe)  
Pairing: 1x2x1, 3x4x3, 3x4x5 (yeah I think that's it.)  
Categories: Parody…fusion…ummm…you'll have to read to understand  
Notes: In one of my many workshop classes we had to read this wonderful story by Margaret Atwood called Happy Endings. I liked it so I stole the form and ran away with it. Any complaint that this isn't a story, join the debate. It's been going for years.  
Warnings: THIS IS A PARODY. No offense is meant to any of the fics that might be inadvertently mentioned within this piece. If you find your fic in here, that's okay, someone once said that there's only three plots ever, so we all fit into some category.   
Disclaimer: Don't Own Gundam Wing or Margaret Atwood, but I'd sure as hell like to be her someday.

PLEASE READ THE WARNING BEFORE STARTING THIS FIC!

Operation Meteor starts.  
Duo and Heero meet on the docks.  
They fight two wars together.

What happens next?

A.  
Duo and Heero fall in love. They discover that Heero isn't just a  
weapon, but is human inside. They help each other with their  
nightmares. Eventually, they get married. They go on vacations to  
visit the other Gundam Pilots. Both work stimulating and challenging  
jobs at the Preventers until they decide to retire and live off of all  
the money they accumulated hacking into Oz accounts. Eventually they  
die, but not until they live long lives together, recounting their  
glory days.

This is the end of the story.

B.  
Duo and Heero work as Preventers. Duo is in love with Heero, and has  
been since the war, but doesn't know how to tell his best friend and   
partner of his feelings. On a mission, Duo is shot and badly wounded.  
When he wakes up in the hospital, Heero is beside his bed and confesses  
that he's been in love with Duo since that day on the docks. A joke  
is made about "love at first shot" or "Cupid's bullet" and they both  
laugh, even though Duo somehow has broken ribs from a gun shot wound.

Duo recovers quickly, he checks out of the hospital as  
soon as possible, and they create a fledgling relationship that all of  
their friends are happy about. Everything continues as in A.

C.   
Relena has trapped Heero into a bodyguard job that he doesn't want  
because she's obsessed and keeps trying to seduce him. Heero isn't in  
love with Relena. He's in love with Duo, and wants to tell Duo this,  
but he's afraid that if he does, Relena will become desperate and hurt  
Duo or show up naked in his bed. Heero is also afraid that Duo  
doesn't like him the same way and/or is straight and in love with  
Hilde.

Heero stews away in Sanq, all the while not knowing that Duo is  
warding off advances from Hilde, half of the men on L-2, entire  
Sweepers crews, and Howard. He enjoys working with Hilde, but decides  
that he wants more from life and goes to college, where he has to  
defend his virtue from half the campus. Duo is saving himself for  
Heero, who doesn't know that Duo's bi or gay or interested, because  
Duo thinks that Heero is straight and in love with Relena.

Then a Preventers mission that requires their attention pops up and  
they both abandon their lives to take care of this "new threat to   
peace." Somewhere in a stake-out, Duo mentions that Heero must be  
missing Relena. Heero replies that he doesn't at all, but that Duo  
must be missing his life at home. Duo complains about all the people  
hitting on him and says that most of the girls aren't his type but  
some of the boys are kind of cute. Heero hopes that Duo might be  
interested and hedges a few questions about that issue. Getting  
answers that he likes, Heero pounces Duo and they have hot sex,  
forgetting the mission that they were sent on.

Everything continues as in A.

D.

All of the boys are transported to an alternate dimension where they   
don't remember anything about their prior lives as teenage terrorists,  
but they all seem to go to the same school and are friends. Duo and  
Heero have been friends since the womb and as their hormones are  
awakening, they become aware that they are attracted to each other  
even though they both have girlfriends, Hilde and Relena respectively.

The plot follows a John Hughes movie but with Duo as the Molly Ringwald  
character, ending with Duo and Heero at their prom together and some  
kissing. The rest continues as A.

E.

Duo and Heero fall in love and into bed with each other, but they  
notice that Trowa and Quatre are beating around the same bush. They  
devise a plan to get their friends together, which includes locking  
Trowa and Quatre into a closet, ending in lots of sex for both couples  
and two simultaneous continuations of A.

F.

If you think this is all too simple, create a new threat to peace, a  
gun smuggling band of drug lord terrorists running a sex slave ring,  
which all five boys are needed to take care of. Duo gets captures and  
Heero needs to rescue him. After the terrorist cell is destroyed,  
they all have hot kinky sex with each other, in a typical G-boy orgy   
pile, until Duo and Heero express their feeling of lust and love for  
each other, leaving Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei to make a threesome. Duo  
and Heero end up leaving their lives behind, living in one of Quatre's  
mansions, and everyone works at WEI, but now their all paired off  
(except the 3x4x5 threesome). And everything continues as in A.

G.

Life for the boys starts like in A, only Duo finds out that he isn't  
really a boy at all, but some boy/girl crossbreed or an alien race  
where there are only males. Or Heero drinks a magic potion that  
allows him to become pregnant or become a girl. But the long and the  
short of it is: they are having a baby. And the one having the baby  
becomes girl-like, crying at cotton commercials and dish soap.

Then the baby is born, and it is the joy of everyone's lives. The press   
never catches wind of the story of the pregnant man and therefore   
doesn't plaster their faces all across the news, except to note that  
two notorious Gundam Pilots have adopted a little baby and are  
creating a family in this new peace. It's a human interest piece,  
showing that even the most violent people have become "normal" in this  
pacifist era. The rest continues as in A.

E.

If mundane sex bores you, then spice it up. Duo and Heero are on a  
Preventer mission that requires one of them to dress like a girl.  
After an argument over who wears the skirt, with a comment about Duo's  
hair and Heero's face, they flip a coin and continue with their job.  
It's a BDSM sex slave ring, so whoever isn't in the dress is the  
Master while the other plays the part of the weepy slave.

There are many kinky lemon scenes, with panties and various torture  
type devices, butt plugs, eggs, strap ons, and sex. They bust the  
ring, but discover that the Master/slave play is something they have  
been missing their whole lives and larch onto it with both hands, and  
all continues as in A (except with a full dungeon basement and   
Gundaminium handcuffs in the bedroom.)

What this boils down to is simple. All stories end the same way, no  
matter how you write it. No matter what the middle of the story is,  
it all ends the exact same way. Any other ending is false, not in a  
bad "Duo never tells a lie" way, but in a "doesn't tell the whole story"  
way, if not a sappy way.

The only real ending to a story is this:  
Everybody dies.  
They pass on to heaven or get reincarnated as even hotter guys from  
another anime series that have the same kind of love/hate  
relationship, or their souls drift off and join into some collective  
consciousness, al la Jung.

That is the real ending. But what are endings anyway? It's just a  
resolution. Beginnings are more interesting, although most people  
enjoy what happens in between the two. Those are plots though, and  
plots are as plots are; not really something terribly important since  
a plot is only the "what" in a story. And all-in-all, the "whats" have  
been answered. 

So try telling me why now.


End file.
